Endings – Why Are They So Hard?

What is an ending? Is it when something draws to a close, the final part of something, a termination, or even the end of a life? The list could go on.

Endings happen all the time. Sometimes they go unnoticed, but often they bring change, and with that change can come discomfort. Why? Because change shifts our usual routines, and our brains are wired to like what we already know — it feels safe.

The part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, the amygdala, can interpret change as a potential threat. This can trigger feelings of fear, anxiety, and stress.

If we look to nature, trees let go of leaves they cannot keep. Seasons end so others can begin. In many ways, relationships can be the same. Sometimes they need to change or come to an end for us to grow and develop.

It can lead us to think about what is important for our wellbeing and what truly makes us happy. What helps us grow as a person? What do we need in order to feel fulfilled?

These changes can be difficult to implement because they may mean the ending of a relationship. This could be with a friend, work colleague, partner, or family member. Sometimes we begin to notice behaviours that no longer sit comfortably with us — perhaps there is too much gossip, a lack of respect, or values that no longer align with our own.

Putting boundaries in place can feel very difficult, and this is something we often talk about in the therapy room. What does this mean in practice?

For example, when you are about to meet a friend, are you feeling excited, or are you thinking, Do I really want to go? Perhaps every time you see them, they do not listen to you and the conversation is always centred around them.

Long-term relationships can also run their course. We all change over time, and with each change and ending, we grow.

Relationship therapy is not always about trying to mend a relationship. There can also be space to work towards a healthy ending — one where you can appreciate what the relationship gave you, reflect on what you have learned, and consider what may help future relationships flourish.

If you are in the middle of an ending right now, or perhaps your thoughts are leaning towards one, I wonder if the goal is not to rush past it or explain it away, but simply to sit with it for a while and notice how it feels.

To admit that it mattered. To admit that it hurts. To admit that you are changing because of it. Take care of each other,

Sharon